Being socially challenged, or maybe inept is the better word, never ceases to put me in situations that are not only undesirable but completely unnecessary and avoidable. That is, avoidable if I were a normal person. I know the jury is still out on whether or not there is in fact such a thing as a “normal person” but instead of continually using the interminable phrase “people/person who are/is not awkward around other people”, I’ll just run with this “normal” thing until it becomes officially unaccepted in our social lexicon. Anyway, this problem I have (I like that, it sounds like “This thing of ours…”) is becoming more and more annoying as the years go on and it gets worse. Case in point:

Last night I made the decision that I was going to get up early to be in Manhattan by 10:00 am so I could get the exact seat and space I deem necessary for my comfort in the Starbucks on 87^th and Lexington. I came to this decision after passing by every Starbucks in every neighborhood that I frequent in the city and not finding one with a seat that I felt I could sit at and get some writing done. In case you were wondering; the total number that I tried was seven before I came to the one on Broadway in NoHo, which I had only ever been in to use the bathroom. What I was initially looking for was a good seat and a good deal of space between me and the next person doing whatever it is that they choose to do when they are in Starbucks, which is undoubtedly their own private business that I nor anyone else should be privy to, at least in my opinion. You might be the kind of person who thinks that isn’t such an unreasonable request and for that I thank you for making me feel just a tad more “normal”. But in my travels I’ve come to find that an overwhelming majority of people don’t mind being inches away from total strangers during moments when they may be trying to relax or have an intimate conversation with a friend or any other number of things that are meant to be done exclusively in some form of privacy. Now, I’m not totally detached from reality; I do realize that if it’s absolute privacy one is looking for then a public place, especially one such as Starbucks, is not the place to find it. But it wasn’t absolute privacy that I was looking for. I mean after all, I did purchase a laptop for the sole purpose of being able to be out and about among the citizens as I write. But what I was looking for was just a little space – just a little. Just enough space so that I don’t feel like the closest person to me is fully capable of reading everything I’m writing or criticizing every song that I’m downloading or even criticizing the fact that I do customarily steal music via The Tubes. Needless to say, at 6:30 pm in NYC I did not find a Starbucks that could accommodate the two specific things I desired. Not even at the one on Broadway in NoHo, though they did meet one of my requirements – a seat (and one next to an outlet no less). What they also had was a man who may or may not have been homeless (and if he was he was probably new to the crew) sitting in the best spot in the house: the black plush love seat with a twin directly across from it and a little table in between them. Of course the twin seat directly across from him was empty but I’m sure he knew good and well that no one else was going to sit there as long as he was there and not just because he appeared to be homeless but because those two seats were set up specifically for a twosome to sit and enjoy each other’s company; not for two strangers to sit awkwardly and uncomfortably across from each other trying to pretend that the other one isn’t really there. Or maybe in this case there would have only been one person uncomfortable, as the feeling that I got from this guy was that he would not only have not been made uncomfortable by someone else sitting there but that he would have enjoyed making that person feel ill at ease. But anyway, I sat at a two person table (no it is not the same as sitting in one of the plush seats set up for two and for obvious reasons) along a wall right across from the bathroom (if I’m up to it one day I may tell you about the observation I made about that experience and the subsequent conversation that ensued afterward) and got some writing done in between some nice conversation with my good friend Jared.

But back to 10:00 am this morning… I did not make it to 86^th at 10:00 am this morning. I got off the train at 10:36 with a ready made plan to ensure that I knew the availability of my desired seat prior to entering Starbucks, even though it was at the back of the store with the back of it facing the door, making it impossible to see from the entrance whether or not it was occupied. The reason for all of this is because I cannot bring myself to be the guy who walks into the store and searches for a seat before deciding if he is going to stay or not. Not that I have anything against the people who do this, it’s just that it personally makes me feel like they are thinking to themselves “I wish he would get up and leave so I can sit there.” which makes me uncomfortable and I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone else. And the reason I think they are saying this to themselves is because it is what I say to myself when I see someone sitting where I would like to be. So my plan (initially when I typed that I forgot to put the space between ‘my’ and ‘plan’ which made me think of myspace, which has completely taken over the whole goddamn world – and by world I mean America because we all know America is the only place in the galaxy that inhabits life intelligent enough to exercise use of The Tubes – it’s found its way into TV and film dialogue as well as music lyrics which pretty much solidifies anything’s impact on pop culture. Kudos to Tom!) was to walk up 86^th to Park Ave and then walk down 87^th so I could pass by the window at the back of the Starbucks and see if anyone was in my favorite seat and just how many people were around it. But! As is always the case, Murphy’s Law came into play and my plan was foiled. Here’s how:

I’m going up 86^th with my earphones on, music playing, and just as I pull my Ipod off my hip and pause the song I don’t want to hear so I can switch to a different playlist, I hear my name called. I turn around and see the father of one of the girls that was in my kindergarten class last school year.

Before I go any further, this is in no way a negative reflection of David Danielson. He’s a really nice guy with whom I have no problem shooting the breeze with. The troubles that ensue are due strictly to my own issues.

So we exchange pleasantries and discuss briefly how Emma spent her summer and various other things that had to do with school and the kids and then we reach Park Ave where I notice he’s about to turn right and go the same direction that I am. This is where the dilemma reveals itself. If David was in fact going to or any further than 87^th then he would notice that I was headed back toward Lexington and realize that I had just walked in a huge circle (or square to be exact) for, to his knowledge, no apparent reason. Or to go even one step further, he may have deduced that I was going back toward Lexington in a desperate attempt to relieve myself of his company. There was no way I was going to let either of these two scenarios play out so instead of following through with the plan, I said goodbye to David at the corner of 86^th and Park, where I then continued on up to Madison before I walked up to 87^th and then went back down to Lexington, keeping my fingers crossed that I wouldn’t run into David along the way.

This is my handicap. I know of no other way to live.

And in case you had labeled me a yuppie, the reason I would only go to a Starbucks is because the purchase of my laptop has depleted my summer vacation fund and the Starbucks card I received from a parent at the conclusion of the school year before last, allows me to eat there for free. In the last few weeks I’ve lost several pounds but I am however, now able to fit two sweaters that I accidentally shrunk in the laundry sometime around last Christmas.

August 22, 2007